I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
