If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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