Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
