I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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