At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sobbing to NWA
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
