Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
