I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
