gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
