She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
