I didn't shave. On purpose
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
