this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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