You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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