is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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