haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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