she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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