How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
