No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
