He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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