Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
