that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am spending my child support on dildos
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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