I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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