Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
