Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
