I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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