I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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