I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
