so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
