Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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