forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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