Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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