So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love having hate sex.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
