They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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