I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
