Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
