Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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