i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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