it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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