Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
