So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
