We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
