my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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