She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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