I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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