watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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