I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
