mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
