Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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