just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
