Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
