ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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