my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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