drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
