Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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