OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
