You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
