There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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