Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
