I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
