Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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