Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
