everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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