it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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